What does holding space mean?
If you know me, you know how much I love the phrase “holding space.” So much so that I named my podcast after it! It’s a concept I return to again and again because it gets to the heart of something we all need: opportunities to be fully seen, and room to exist, feel, and grow.
Recently, the phrase “holding space” got a spotlight moment during a viral interview with Wicked stars Ariana Grande-Butera and Cynthia Erivo. In the interview, journalist Tracy E. Gilchrist mentioned that fans were "holding space" for the lyrics of "Defying Gravity," prompting an emotional response from Erivo. This moment sparked curiosity about the meaning of "holding space" and its significance.
WHAT DOES “HOLDING SPACE” ACTUALLY MEAN?
Think of holding space as being the emotional version of a steady hand on someone’s back. You’re there—not to push, pull, or fix—but simply to steady and support while they navigate their path. It’s about being fully present in a way that says:
“You don’t have to hide any part of yourself here. You’re safe to feel, process, and just be.”
This idea took center stage during a recent Wicked interview with Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo, where a journalist from EqualPride brought up how people in queer media were “holding space” for the lyrics of Defying Gravity. The phrase resonated deeply, especially in the context of the song’s themes of freedom, courage, and stepping into your authentic self. In response, Erivo became visibly emotional, reflecting the power of feeling supported and understood on such a profound level. In the words of journalist Tracy E. Gilchrist, “Holding space is being physically, emotionally, and mentally present with someone or something. For me, it means being in the moment, not being distracted and feeling something on a cellular level.” This interview highlighted how “holding space” isn’t just for people—it can also apply to ideas, emotions, or shared moments that need room to breathe and resonate.
Here are some everyday examples of how you can hold space in your life:
For a partner: After a tough day, instead of offering solutions, you simply say, “Tell me everything. I’m here to listen.”
For a child: When your 4-year-old is melting down over a broken crayon, you get down on their level and say, “It’s okay to feel sad. I’m here if you want a hug.”
For a friend: When they share a difficult experience, instead of saying anything that starts with, “At least…,” you respond, “I know I can’t take the pain away, but I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere.”
Holding space isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about showing up fully, judgment-free, and with your heart open.
From Holding Space For Others To Protecting Margins for Yourself
This idea of holding space flows naturally into another concept I’m passionate about: protecting margins for ourselves. Here’s the connection: you can’t hold space for others if you have no space of your own. Think of it like trying to pour from an empty cup. When we’re overwhelmed, constantly rushing, or emotionally drained, we lose the capacity to show up with the presence and patience that holding space requires. Margins, on the other hand, refill us. They’re the quiet, unstructured moments where we recharge, process, and reconnect with ourselves.
In short, margins are what make holding space possible. They’re the foundation. Without margins, holding space starts to feel like another obligation—a task you’re too stretched to do well. But when we build margins into our lives, we gain the emotional bandwidth to truly show up for others—and for ourselves.
Experiencing these much needed margins in our busy modern lives is not easy. With cell phones always within arm’s reach and the relentless demands of parenting, it feels like every spare moment gets consumed by notifications, to-do lists, or the needs of others.
The phone that’s always there- Our smartphones are incredible tools, but they’re also relentless space-stealers. Whether it’s answering work emails at night, doomscrolling social media, or responding to texts the moment they come in, our phones have created the expectation that we’re always available. The result? No room for our minds to rest and recharge.
Intensive parenting pressure- Today, parenting often feels like a non-stop job. There’s immense pressure to constantly engage, teach, and entertain, leaving little room for parents to catch their breath. Even when kids are occupied, those rare moments of quiet are often filled with guilt: Am I doing enough? Should I be teaching them something right now? This relentless pace erodes the margins parents need to reset and recharge, making it harder to show up with presence and patience.
We’ve lost some of the built-in margins our brains so desperately need, and the effects are showing.
Why Margins Are So Important
Margins are where we process the world around us. Without them, our brains are constantly running at full tilt, leading to overwhelm, burnout, and reactive decision-making. When we create margins, we allow ourselves the time and space to:
Recover from stress. Our nervous systems need moments of rest to recalibrate, or else we stay stuck in fight-or-flight mode.
Be creative. Ever notice your best ideas come when you’re in the shower or taking a walk? That’s because creativity thrives in unstructured time.
Strengthen relationships. Margins give us the bandwidth to listen, connect, and show up meaningfully for the people we care about.
Be present. Without margins, life becomes a blur of one task after another, leaving us feeling disconnected from ourselves and others.
What Restoring Margins Can Look Like
Turn off notifications. Create set times to check your phone, and let the rest of the day be free of dings and pings.
Create “white space” in your schedule. Block out unstructured time each day or week to do nothing. Yes, nothing.
Reclaim mundane moments. Turn chores or commutes into opportunities for quiet reflection by leaving the podcast or self-help audio book off. Let your mind wander.
Let go of constant parenting engagement. It’s okay to say, “Mom’s going to rest for a bit,” and let your kids play on their own. Independent play is a gift for them too.
Prioritize a screen-free evening. Whether it’s after dinner or during a Sunday afternoon, intentionally disconnect to create real breathing room.
Margins Are How We Show Up For Ourselves
The irony of losing margins is that we often sacrifice them to be “better” for others—our families, our jobs, our friends. But the truth is, without margins, we lose our ability to show up for anyone effectively. Margins are the foundation of emotional regulation, creativity, and connection.
If holding space is about creating emotional room for others, margins are about creating physical, mental, and emotional room for ourselves. And when we do that, we can hold space for others with more presence, patience, and grace.
So, the next time you’re tempted to scroll through your phone during a quiet moment or pack another activity into your day, ask yourself: What would happen if I left this time as it is? What could grow in this space?
Because it’s in the margins—in the quiet, unclaimed moments of our lives—that growth, healing, and connection truly happen.
THERAPY: A Space for margins and holding space
Therapy is a unique space where holding space and creating margins come together. A therapist holds space for you—listening without judgment, offering support, and allowing you to process your thoughts and feelings at your own pace. This creates a safe environment where you can explore who you are and what you need.
At the same time, therapy itself becomes a margin in your life—a protected block of time dedicated solely to you. It’s a pause from the chaos of daily life, a chance to step back, reflect, and reset.
Without these intentional pauses, life can feel overwhelming, leaving little room for clarity or connection. Through therapy, you not only gain support but also learn to carry these skills—like holding space and setting boundaries—into other areas of your life.
If you’re ready to create more space in your life, my group practice specializes in supporting parents through all the challenges and transitions that come with caregiving. We’re licensed in California and Nevada and would be honored to hold space for you as you navigate your journey. Reach out today to start creating the margins you deserve.